Tom Ford - a mule in horse harnesses!

Oh Tom, I don’t mean you. You are super chic, but my darling, your new store needs to work out some kinks before I drop $5,000 on polo boots!

I visited on Saturday and the first thing I noticed was that one of the mirrors in the window display had crashed into the pink alligator. Upon walking in (hey where is the door man?) I told the receptionist (?) concierge (?) and she gave a huge smile and 'Thanks!' Tom, you are from Texas right? You need a Lynn Wyatt type at the front to shout a big ole 'Hoooowdy!' to everyone coming in, dressed in some sick silk cocktail gown and loads of jewels. Wouldn't that be fun?

So I began meandering around and at once I felt so put off. Everything is behind glass like a museum. If I try to open the glass door will it be locked and will I look like a fool? Noticing my frustration, a salesman approaches and offers assistance. I ask if I am allowed to open the case or if an alarm will sound-'Oh no, please, open away!' Gee thanks.

Now I’m not going to mention this salesman's name because if I do and you, Tom, read this, he wont be around for long. He was very kind and offered to give me a tour. While in the shoe department he stopped and went on a bender, "You see Tom is trying to bring back elegance to menswear. He wants men to get back into the habit of dressing up. He kept mentioning a word about these sorts of men. What was it? Oh I can’t remember but they are men who enjoy dressing, sort of like you. Actually, you are the epitome of what Tom stands for! You with your scarf, hat and shiny boots! This is it! You are the perfect customer! Now what was that word Tom kept saying? Oh yes, was it Dandy? Dandy! That's it! Oh your a Dandy!"

Golly sir I've never heard that one.

So then we walk into the mirrored fragrance salon that makes me think of some strange English folly or Parisian boudoir. He quickly grabs a fragrance and explains that Black Violet was made in honor of the Dandy. I said, "Well then, where is Green Carnation?" He didn't get it.

Then I asked what the prison looking doors were. "Oh yes, the cell blocks, those are dressing rooms but I am always scared to open them because I get shocked!" So I open the door and find a handsome room with shagreen covered hooks. Nice touch Tommy!

Then he escorts me into the "East Parlor" where I find a sitting room that my 'butler' told me was modeled after Tom's swanky London pied a terre. Nice silver screens! He then opens a jewel box of velvet bow ties and I fall in love and ask how much. "Oh nothing is priced yet, its such a pain. You go upstairs to the tailoring floor and I will find out the price for you."

Fair enough. I walk past the Noguchi (from Tom's personal collection), up a spiral staircase and into some sort of lounge. I am all by myself and so I spin around a couple of times, Sound of Music style and then almost fall on my arse. The rug is a 3inch pile of fur! Fox? Oh right,I think I read that they are beaver. Whatever it was they just seemed gross to me, not luxurious. I guess since I am reading PETA President, Dan Matthews book at the moment. But Tom, the liability! Remember all those models that kicked the dust when you carpeted your catwalk with fur? Well it is gonna happen here too Tom and just wait for some Queen to slap you with a lawsuit for his fall in your fur!

The rest of upstairs was quite swell. I LOVE the brown velvet room. Walls and ceiling are enveloped in chocolate velvet. Yum.

I head back downstairs and find my 'butler' helping an older man with a coat. After circling for several minutes I ask him if he found out the price of the tie. "Oh no, I didn't. I couldn't find the manager. Do you mind coming back?"
WHAT? EXCUSE ME? Come back? Oh hell, to the naw!
I asked if he had a card, "Oh no, we don’t even have those yet."
Well then, guess I'm not getting the tie. Sorry Tom. And I have the perfect Texas wedding to wear it to in the fall.

I left rolling my eyes to myself but I was glad to see they had fixed the window. An hour later upon hoofin’ it back to catch the bus to Harlem I noticed the mirror had crashed upon the alligator again. Oh Tom! Lets try some super glue this time round.

(Photo coutesy of www.nymag.com)