American Queen Adventure Day Five

Today was a day on the river. We paddled down with the goal to reach Vicksburg  around 6pm. Success! Days on the water are my favorite - sleeping late, painting, lots of gym time, loads of reading and relaxing and meditating on the water. 

                                          (Sunrise painting of birds, buoys and sand bars)

I was pretty tired from the night before so I was sure I would be in bed by 10pm. Wrong. Some of the crew invited me to head into town for ‘a drink’ when we arrived at port. I turned them down, Mother called me a wimp so I rallied and headed out. 

                                  (Our sizzlin' waitress Dorothy posing with me and Mr. Keenan)

We found a surprisingly good lookin’ bar called The Biscuit Factory. It is an old brick building with a nice bar, fried everything and....wait....karaoke. And therein is my downfall.

Children, Uncle Cator got drunker than Cooter Brown. It really wasn’t my fault. 

The crew ordered about six rounds of Patron shots in a row. We ordered so much that the bartender had to drive to the liquor store - twice! It started out with 5-6 of us but the drunker we got, the more texts went out and by the end of the night there were around 45 crew members at the bar dancing, singing, smoking and eventually playing strip foozball. That’s right folks! I ended up wearing some dude’s cowboy boots around the bar while singing ‘Jolene

You know I had to sing a song or twelve. The one’s I remember singing are:

‘Proud Mary’- Twice - Did anyone realize this song is about Steam Boats? (Big wheels keep on turning/Rolling down the river)

‘Cabaret’ - You know, my standard party popper

‘Rehab’ - Don’t ever sing this drunk. It doesn’t work

‘Islands in the Stream’ - With another crew member. The highlight of the evening

There may have been more but I don’t remember. I do remember twirling a girl around the dance floor and when I picked her up and spun her around everyone screamed with excitement. We are famous! Actually, I had lifted her skirt above her butt and revealed everything to everyone. Dang it. 

Thank God for the fried Jalapeno’s, fried cheese dongs, french fries and fried pickles. There was a Civil War in my stomach for sure. 

We bobbled back to the boat around 3am. The next day was truly a black day on The American Queen for half the staff. Zombie boat!

The American Queen Adventure Day 1

What happened last night? I remember being in the ‘Engine Room’ bar and I think I was singing ‘Rainbow Connection’ with a gorgeous woman who looked like Paula Deen but skinnier and lots more amusing. It is 7:16am and my head is a mud pie. God help me when I see my bar tab. Oh and I think someone is taking me to a music store to buy a banjo today too. Lord, and who was that little old German lady that I spun around the dance floor so fast we almost fell over?

All in a nights work on my first night on the American Queen paddle boat cruise down the Mississippi River. 

How did I end up on this thing? I think it had to do with a bottle or two of wine as well. I remember about six months ago, Rod got a phone call from his mama, Dotty. “Well I just booked a trip on a river boat all by myself! Sure would be nice to have some company...” Rod dead panned, I’ll go if you go. I called my mother and before I finished my sentence she was booked. So here we are!

We arrived in St. Louis on Sunday and had a lovely dinner at Herbies downtown. Mama and Dotty have never met so it was a night of introductions and family stories. Monday we took a twirl up the famous St. Louis arch, took a cab to ‘antiques row’ and then boarding the ship at 3.

I have to admit I was expecting the boat to be a bit on the Disney side of camp with cardboard decor and dusty fake flowers. I am pleasantly surprised. Built in 1995 the American Queen is apparently the largest steam boat ever built. The paddle is impressive and churns at a mighty fast rate. Our room has enviable ‘Arts & Crafts’ wallpaper and the gentleman’s lounge is stocked with handsome boar and bear taxidermy.

I think the dining room is my favorite. It is so very Harmonia Gardens! I’m waiting for Dolly Levy to order a turkey dinner any evening. There is also a calliope on the top floor. If you are not familiar, it is a horrid invention of the Victorian’s birthed from whistles and steam. If you have ever heard the nightmarish music of a merry-go-round, you have heard a calliope.

After settling in we trotted off to dinner at 5:15. Yes, you read correctly. We booked in for the early bird dinner and since everyone on this thing is 90+, dinner is either at 5:15 or 7:15. We figured we should take the earlier seating so we can start drinking at a decent hour. You know.

Our Maitre d’ is memorable. His name is Chris and he has a french twist and brows for days. When I found out he is from Atlanta we became dear friends. My other favorite person so far is the singer from the ‘Engine Room’ bar who I mentioned earlier.

After dinner we went to the floor show where two couples sang every riverboat song in the book. They started the show in 1880’s clothes and made their way through the 20s, 40s and ended with  60s sequins and some seriously jacked wigs. Oh and their band was called ‘The Steamboat Syncopators’. I am so stealing that one.

Here is the playlist:

Proud Mary- Ike and Tina

Roll on Mississippi- Charley Pride

The River- Garth Brooks

Riverboat Days- The Back Porch Majority

Ol’ Man River-Showboat

After the show we headed to the engine room to hear Ms. Jackie (previously known as Paula Deen) belt them out. This is where I lost the plot. Mother and Dotty went to bed and Rod and I ordered about 1000 glasses of wine. We sang, I danced, I twirled that sweet little lady around the dance floor multiple times and we gazed out onto the silent Mississippi and up at the dazzling sky above. I nearly cried with pleas for the banjo player to help me find one on this trip. He told me there is a store in port today with decent ones so I gave him my card. Get ready for my Christmas show!

I woke this morning around 7:30 still pleasantly buzzed and did morning stretches on the balcony as we pulled into a foggy Cape Girardeau, Missouri. Sadly the town has decided to jack hammer the dock at 8am so my head is about to explode. The boat apparently has tried to wipe out the noise with more noise- a rag time band! So I think I will end this epistle and try to get some shut eye in the bathroom, or just get up with the grannies and get going.

More tomorrow.